I Don't Want to Love You

[Note:  This is pretty long and in a drabble-like form. And has big-kid words.]



"No."

I had said when she told me.
I couldn't take it in.  It couldn't be real.
I went cold.

"Drive." I had told her.
And she did.  The drive was long and it was dark.
It gave me too much time to think.

To remember.  To miss.  To love.
Too much.

I never told you…  I never told her either.
How the hell did I end up in the middle of you two?
Oh, that's right.

I fell in love with the boy who wanted my friend.

A friend I would die for.

I'm such an idiot.  And you're such a jerk.
Why?! Why did have to be so damn… so damn…

So funny.  So sweet. So kind.
It was cruel.

You're cruel.  
But you're also in the hospital.
Because you crashed.

Like I said you would.

You fucking stupid jerk.  Why do you have to be so selfish?
What's so important about speeding?  I always yelped when you swerved.
You would laugh.

Why do I even love you?  Oh right.  
Because I'm an idiot.

An idiot with hair that's blond enough to be teased,
And brown enough to be dull.

An idiot with eyes that could be a pretty blue or green,
If it weren't for the murky grey.

An idiot who's short and scrawny, with a spine and other bones that show.
Skinny except on her thighs.

An idiot who writes songs that she's too afraid to sing,
And writes words that she hides away and forgets.

A pathetic ugly idiot, who's skin blotches and lips that are always chapped in winter.

That's who fell in love with you.  
That's me.  
Nothing like… her…

I see her as I push past others in the lobby.  

She's standing and staring in at a fish tank.  
Why do hospitals always have fish tanks?  
It's stupid.

I go over to her and reach up, standing on my tiptoes.
I firmly wrap my arms around her.  
She lets me, hiding her face in my neck.  

"Oh Rosie…" I say.
That's what I always say.  
Whenever something hurts.

When it hurts and there's nothing I can do.  
I just stand there, holding.
Holding the taller girl in a tight embrace.

Like you would.  If you were there.
Of course you would hold her.
And I would want you to.
Because I don't deserve to be held.
I'm not precious like she is.

With ebony curls that bounce and fall in pretty waves,
It's naturally stunning.

Her eyes a bright pale green, irish. We both are, though I don't look it.
They're accented with her thick gorgeous lashes.

She's short too, but a cute short.
Not a barely-five-feet short.

She's thin, but with rounded, soft edges.  
Her legs are perfect too. All of her is.

She hiccups into my neck.
My heart breaks again at the sound.
When it comes to you two… Everything hurts me more.

I know you think your tragedies are between the two of you.
That's what everyone thinks.
But I'm there.

Mourning you both.
A double whammy you could say.

We're all good people.  
So our heart breaks for each other,
Not our would-be selfish selves.

Your heart breaks for him, once.
His heart breaks for you, once.
And mine breaks for you both, twice.

And it breaks again.
Because it shouldn't,
Shouldn't break for you.

You don't even know.
I never told you.
I knew you thought I was too young.

I also… somewhere… deep inside…
I knew you loved her.
And she loved you.

I would never take that from you two.
Not from people I love.


Even before you both told me.
With shining smiles.
I knew.

That didn't stop it from hurting though.
Seeing you is hard.
Thinking about you hurts.
Talking is painful.
Loving you is excruciating agony.

An agony I bare on my own.
I could be sainted for my efforts,
Except they have a guilty cause.

Your not supposed to love your friend's boyfriend.

Oh how I fucking tried so hard to stop.

I reached inside, and ripped you up,
Out of my heart like a weed.
But you always came back.

Only this time… I wasn't sure you were.
Slowly, Rose pulled away.
I handed her one of the tissues mom gave me.

"When do we get to see him?"
I asked, the sandpaper voice cracking through the air.
"They haven't said."

Her voice was a dying whisper.
It hurt.

It hurt to hear her like this.
I put my arm around her.
Then I looked challengingly around the rom.

I challenged every glance with a hard cold look.
One I had learned to master.
It said, 'Don't you dare stare at her.'

Rose didn't need people looking at her.
She didn't even need me.
She needed you.

I was only second best.
To both of you.

I stood there, waiting, watching, comforting…

Then they came with a clipboard and talked.
Your aunt was there, crying too.
Then we were in the elevator.

We flew up, and I staggered on my way out.
I was the last one out.
The least important.

I wasn't one of the doctors.
I wasn't you're guardian.
I wasn't even you're girlfriend.

I was just an extra.
How Dull.
But I was there.

I was still stubbornly there.
Because I wanted a role in this.
Even if it was only an extra.

Because I love you.
You fucking stupid jerk.
I love you.

Walking through the hallway… was white.  And empty.
They opened a door to a room.  There was only one window.
The blind was pulled shut.
You don't like that.  
Why was It shut?

They walked in.  Your aunt on your left and Rose on your right.
I couldn't make myself go in.
My feet were stuck to the floor.

Your eyes were shut.
There was a bandage on your cheek and forehead.
Your right leg was in a raised cast.

You were so broken.  And still.  
I wanted to burst into tears, run to your side,
And cover whatever showed of you in kisses.

But I couldn't.
And so my heart broke again.
For the thousandth time.

You selfish bastard, I told you to be careful.  Thank god you're not dead…
Damnit I love you.  Oh how I wish I didn't though.

As my heart broke again, so did the rest of me. I crumpled on the floor.




And I didn't get back up.